The high that comes with the lows

I feel like a teenager again (I'm not far gone) smoking cigarettes on the bleachers or pashing behind the school bike shed. None of which i ever actually did but you can just imagine the hype. The euphoria.

My Anorexia is creeping in slowly she starts to take over my body encasing my mind first. But like glass it shatters and splinters it leaves fragments of a human being dropped to the ground. But its tiering.  It's more tiering then being open and honest.

So that brings me to today. I'm locked in my room. My gran just called for dinner. I'm 'sleeping'. I'm neglecting the fact that I'm a human being and a necessary thing to stay alive is food and water. I'm longing to be rejected from the mortal coil. Praying to whatever god there is. Maybe they will send me home? One can hope. My hearts pounding thats called tachycardia tachy=fast cardia=heart (That's about all i've learnt at school. Breaking the news of a relapse is always the most painful. My grandma is pleading with me "I struggled to see and make it the least you can do is eat it, its only pumpkin soup" I DON'T WANT IT I don't want ANYTHING!

What triggered it? I don't know the stress of moving perhaps? The stress of school? The longing of being home like home home, the longing of being a star pupil? There could be many reasons I just can't find the answers. If I really searched I might find it but it's like a where's wally book in my head everyones wearing red and white stripes but where is that iconic cane and glasses that sets him apart???

I had an Eating Disorders Assessment today. I wanted to shrink to the size of an ant or throw powder in the air and go poof like a magician. Neither of which happened of course. She asked questions. I answered. I left in a flurry of emotions like a storm brewing. I could feel something inside of me turning the cogs of anorexia being wound like a clock. Click. Somethings changed I just can't put my finger on what? That I just don't give a fuck anymore.

Today marks a year sink my baby casper passed away from a heart arrhythmia. So tomorrow marks a year since my second Royal Melbourne hospital admission this time last year I had an NGT situated that word still makes me cringe. The sad part is this was not to be my last admission. They stacked up against me