In. Out. In. Out.

I find it so hard to blog these days. To find something of relative importance to tell you. But I am empty. In ever sense of the word. The words cease to exist and my mealplan is decreasing rapidly. I'm barricaded up with 'safe' foods and battered down with negativity. It consumes my every thought. My every waking and my every sleeping hour.
I reminisce,
I recall,
and I remember all the times.
The times I have cried in therapy.
The times I have screamed "I HATE YOU" in therapy.
The times it was called for a readmission even a day after discharge as a result of therapy.
The times I was poked and prodded and watched.
The times I had a tube shoved down my nose as i refused to eat or drink.
The times I wished to just die already!
I remember all these times with much regret that I had no control and yet I yearn for it all the same. To feel
Wanted
Needed
Appreciated

I'm trying so hard to be a 'normal' teenager. To enjoy my last year as a teen before i move on to my twenties. I'm trying to reengage with society.
To make something of my life.
To go to school.
To move out.
To start working.
To do all the things 'normal' people do at my age. Not living off a pension downing tablets to keep my sanity and peace of mind being in constant turmoil feeling the pull of the tide of falling in and out of hospital life. Getting into a routine of
Eat
Stop eating
Abuse laxatives
Purge
Self harm
Run
Skip
Sit ups
Star jumps
Dehydrate
Poke
Prod
Shove
Cry
Scream
In
Out
In
Out
And so on

Life isn't as easy as I thought it should be I wasn't gifted with a manual on how to live or in my case die. There was and still is no easy way out. Sometimes you have to muscle down and fight. But I'm drained. So drained. I don't want this life anymore. I want to go back to a sub existence. Where I had no responsibilities where i could openly be me. It hurts so much to hide. Or to even engage in what my life is openly in front of the watchful eye of my oblivious grandmother. And so it goes on.So I suppose I will just 'muscle down' and do what I have to do. For now. Maybe I will try weightloss the 'healthy' way (with exercise and safe foods)?