Letter to P, Happy Birthday To Me

Happy birthday to me and lets celebrate by giving you an uninvited visitor. TOM. Blaah its been months since he last appeared.

I had an awful dream about going back to JCU I was pinned down sedated and had an NGT inserted where I remained sedated for a number of days being tube fed. This literally bought me to tears I woke up with a flashback of when they pinned me down in the children's ward to insert a NGT :( and the time they pinned me down in SCU to take my bp and again to take blood. It bought me to the realisation I just can't do it anymore I give up on recovery on relapse on life nothing motivates me to wake up in the morning and as soon as I do I count the hours until I can curl up in bed again and have a new dawn. Hoping for a new beginning for something inside of me to awaken. My mum believes I have a deep seated fear that it's going to happen I think she's right maybe not as far as being pinned down but having the tube put back and it scares me I have never been scared of it before (except the first time they put it in I was in hysterics) and now, now I'm petrified. I just can't handle it!

Well I guess this describes it best, I wrote a letter to my psychiatrist it reads;

'Dear P,

Anorexia is seriously and unequivocally, REALLY DAMN EFFECTIVE. You know what I wanted to eat for lunch? I wanted a grilled cheese and chicken sandwich like everyone else. Emphasis on cheese. I wanted fries with that grilled cheese and chicken sandwich, and maybe even an overpriced chocolate milkshake. But Anorexia is just so goddamn good at what it does, I settled for my 1-cup of diet coke and a plate of air, and I’m guessing that just about made its day.

The voice inside my head is so powerful I can hear its bellowing reverberate inside my head telling me like a drill sergeant to eat nothing at all for breakfast, lunch and dinner. “You can be superhuman if you will yourself to be.”

I’ve been living off a mixture of drinks for the last four weeks. That’s a month of sheer hell! The voice inside my head tells me what to do, when to do it, how much or how little I can have and what substance is acceptable. I'm a puppet. More often then not I resort to my safe diet coke how could 2 calories do me wrong. Well I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt for betraying the voice for not being strong enough to live off of nothing. For being human!

Anorexia undermines my survival instinct to such a degree that, everyday I wake up in the morning and start counting down the hours for it to be over. We hear stories about people gnawing off their own limbs to escape when trapped, about the urge to survive transcending even those situations wherein one’s demise is imminent and unavoidable. Human beings are hardwired to fight for life tooth and nail, to accept defeat only when there is literally no other recourse… and yet, because Anorexia is so talented, I’m actually EMBRACING my mortality and ANTICIPATING my release on the mortal coil.

We’ve been together for a long time. I’ve been hearing the voice for longer than I’ve been menstruating. I suppose I should admit that I would be lonely without Anorexia’s company. Who would keep me up at night? Who would remind me that, even though I might be feeling particularly saucy on any given day, I’m still utterly worthless? I don’t think anything could affect me like Anorexia does.

Today is my birthday and it doesn’t even feel like it because I’m too self absorbed, too consumed with my Anorexia that I can’t even join in the celebration. I can’t even enjoy myself on my special day. I can’t even have my cake and eat it too. I can't even enjoy homemade soup for fear of not knowing the calories no matter how much I may crave that warm feeling in my stomach. I’m writing to you because I’m at my wits end I feel like the world is caving in on me I feel like I am suffocating. I need help but, I refuse to go back to SCU it does me no good! And more mental turmoil is all that comes. I am mentally scarred for life. I feel lost and alone, secluded and like a prisoner in there and lets face it they’re not equipped to deal with me or Anorexia they patch me up and send me on my way to self destruct again and again and again.

At my wits end,

Bec'

Well I guess that says it all. I don't know if I will give it to him but it helped to write it all down.

I just agreed to have HOMEMADE PUMPKIN SOUP FOR DINNER!!! OH MY GOD MY HEART IS IN MY MOUTH but I think it has made my mums month I just don't know how I'm ever going to eat it all I want to do is cry. I get weighed tomorrow and I'm just going to be an obese whale. Looks like no weightloss for me this week. I'm bound to gain it all back especially seeing as though I have my period.

UPDATE: Well my mum made the soup and it was A-MAZING. I feel like I've been missing out on so much. It was so much better then the store bought crap. Although I know the calories in that 'crap'. I did have to take 2 lorazepam though just to help get me through and even that doesn't feel like enough I'm tempted to take more but I don't want to OD. However the bowl was HUGE! I feel like I've eaten a horse probably due to the fact it's the first time I've eaten in a month so of course my stomachs not used to it. And now I'm bloated. I won't be eating again for a LOOOONG time. Now I feel the desperate need to over compensate. 8 laxatives come at me.

Look at this card my little sister made me absolutely melted my heart

And photos of me and the cake I didn't eat