It's official I'm going to run away and join a circus! Well...maybe not. Instead I will settle for sleeping with my head under the blankets on a fold up sofa listening to the buses rattle past and my dad tap tap tapping away on his computer allll day long. Again maybe I'll settle for a noon sleep in.
I just can't handle the demands of being a living thing of having to socialise of having to always smile and be the happy one, of being the fine one, when really all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry cry cry and take some pills and cut a little yes I just said that. I've missed the silvery blade the crimson rows that flow. I've MISSED it and for months I have avoided it. But as the mountain of mess in my life grows so to do my temptations to delve into old coping mechanisms because lets face it I CAN'T COPE!
But I can't go back to my old ways. I have to be strong.
And maybe your all wondering what has triggered me to think this way today. Well, I had my appointment with P and D, J didn't show and I didn't expect him too. It lasted 15 minutes! I think it was the shortest session of my life, which is a good thing because by the end of a usual 1hr session I feel like my head is going to explode from a lack of oxygenation. What happened in that 15 minutes was fast I can barely remember it which you would think would be the opposite way around with longer sessions having more to take in. Well the same amount of attention was needed if you had of blinked it would of been over.
The verdict is J has been in consultation with JCU (the Melbourne unit) and apparently a bed is becoming available P didn't know the details he said he would talk to J and give me a call within 48hrs (which i suspect I will be waiting a lot longer for) in accordance to P I'm not coping and the team had all hoped something would just switch in my brain and I'd miraculously start eating again which doesn't look likely. P also said it could take one week two weeks he doesn't know it all depends on when someone gets discharged (discharges occur on mondays and thursdays) but he hopes I'm there before the week is out. Which means he needs to 'vary' the CTO to make me an involuntary inpatient. He's trying to respect my wishes of not going to SCU so I just have to agree to go. But HOW can i agree to go when the first thing your faced with is food I can't even fathom (bar last night which was INCREDIBLY hard) lifting a spoon or fork or anything to my mouth its just TOO hard let alone with food on it and a clock counting down in an unfamiliar familiar environment with people I don't know. Not to mention they frown upon the NGT. I don't deserve this bed someone who wants help whose sicker then me needs this bed. I honestly never thought they'd take me back because I'm so uncompliant.
I didn't give P the letter my dad told me it was "A bunch of fancible words"
I'm so surprised at how fast my referral has taken its been in a month and I know many other people who have been on the waiting list longer then me and still haven't been able to get in. Why am I so special? I feel totally unprepared for this.
On another note I was weighed as I knew I would be. The psych scales are a kg higher then the gp scales (in the same building) and according to the psych scales I had lost 1kilo since thursday (according to my wii scales I had only lost 200g since thursday) and I get weighed again on the gp scales on thursday so hoping to see a further loss. Its all I'm good at these days and I'm not even good enough yet.
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