The black cloud

Reminiscing

Wondering

Praying 

Imagining

Destined 

I want the old me back. The skinny me. The happy me. The me that could stand to look at herself no matter how vain. The me that didn't have a care in the world. The me that was free. The me that saw no consequences. 

I want that back! Is it too much to ask to be happy again? To like myself again? To not feel so insecure? So open? So invaded? Is that too much to ask??? How am I supposed to live this way forever? I wish I had of died the first, second, third, tenth time! Take me out the back and shoot me like a wounded horse put me out of my misery. 

This is a depressing post but... I AM depressed! 

I HATE this tube with a fiery passion. I HATE that I have no control. I HATE that I am powerless to do anything. I HATE that I'm being made to gain/maintain my weight when all I want is to lose weight. I HATE this all. And I HATE that my actions have consequences, I don't mind the physical ailments, I HATE the threat of going to the swanston centre indefinitely. That is the one thing I won't risk so instead I have to shut up put a smile on my face nod my head say yes take my pills and leave the god damn tube in! It's just becoming a constant battle a battle I fear I'm losing. 

My room mate got discharged today so now I have a little old lady with pneumonia and anemia. She doesn't stop moaning so I hope I get discharged tomorrow. She's been in my room for maybe 30minutes and she's driving my crackers! 

Roughly 7 waking hours until tomorrow... D-day. Bring.it.on.