Bundle of nerves

I thought I'd get in early as I'll probably want to hit the sack when I get home tonight. I have done absolutely nothing today and I'm feeling sluggish and slow. I hate being stagnant. I just become a shell of a human being. It's disturbing how one can sit around for hours doing nothing at all. This is not how I used to be, on the go all the time running from here to there (literally).

Tonight is trivia night at the cricket club and we all have to go and show our support as dad's the president. The thought of eating there has me shitting my dacks lol I am petrified everyone will be staring at me thinking "what a pig look at her eat!". I know they won't but my brain plays horrible tricks on me like this and there's no convincing me otherwise.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be meeting up with a girlfriend I haven't seen her since my birthday...last year! 13months ago! I've gained at least 10kilos since she saw me last and I have a tube in my face which she's never seen before so for a number of reasons I'm a bundle of nerves.

I've been thinking about moving out to have the freedom to eat (or not eat) what I want but its so uneconomical I'm now thinking I might just contest my CTO so I can cease treatment and do what I want that way no one will be able to stop me and in turn I may be happy again. Do I contest it OR work with my team for a few more weeks and have them take down that guard????

I was thinking yesterday I haven't cut in months the temptation is sitting in the forefront of my mind but I still haven't picked up the blade. It just causes so much extra unneeded stress. I used laxatives last night for the first time in a month and man did it feel GOOD!